Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It's shark week go big or go home
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
