I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
