I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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