On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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