I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
