so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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