I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
