He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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