please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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