is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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