just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize