when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
