Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
