she takes plan B like it's going out of style
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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