I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
