somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
