Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
