You're completely useless in the revolution.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
