I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
