it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
