btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
