I just pynch a tree in the face
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize