I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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