Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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