Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
