I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
