Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you win again, gameday.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
