If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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