I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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