I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
