You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
