I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You can't motorboat a personality
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
