Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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