did you get engaged???
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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