Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
