she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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