why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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