I accidentally had phone sex last night
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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