Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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