this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize