Plan B is the new Plan A
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
