drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
