I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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