Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
