When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
