I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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