there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize