tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think your dad took our porno
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
