Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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