new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
