Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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