Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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