I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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