Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
