Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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